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Truth or Lie: How can I tell? |
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It can be very upsetting when our little angels tell us that first little fib. But before we react, it is important to understand that before the age of five or six years, children cannot accurately distinguish between the truth and a lie. The line between fantasy and reality is still a bit fuzzy. Even so, there are many reasons why children lie.
There are many reasons why a child under the age of 5 may lie: - Forgetfulness: Small children have short memories and may actually forget doing something good or bad.
- Wishful thinking: Sometimes he/she may believe that what they have done is so bad that they wish it away or convince themselves they could not have been involved with something so awful.
- An active imagination: Tall tales are exciting and make children feel important - especially if they are the heroes. This is a good thing!
- Craving attention: To a child, attention is measured in quantity not quality. They may constantly do bad things because they realize it's the only way to get your undivided attention.
Regardless of the reason, children need to be taught that lying is unacceptable and that being honest is always better. One of the best ways we can reinforce this concept is by setting a good example for them. This builds trust with your child. It is usually counterproductive to accuse, belittle, or harshly punish children for lying. This only teaches them to become better liars to avoid consequences. Scenario
Your three year old is sitting in the living room watching her cartoons and you have been down the hall for a few minutes doing laundry. You walk in to check on her and see an empty banana peeling on the tv table. You impulsively ask her, "Sweetie, is this your banana peeling on the tv table?" and she answers "Not mine mommy" and returns to watching her cartoons. Now you as the parent already KNOW that your child is guilty for three reasons: One, no one else is home that day and you didn't eat the banana; two, bananas are your child's favorite food; and three, your child still has remnants of banana on her face. Still, she lied to you about it. Now you spend the next twenty minutes trying to get her to admit to something you know she probably won't and since you can't prove to her that you KNOW she is lying, you don't really know what the apprpriate consequence should be.
Same Scenario, Different Approach
You walk in and see the banana peel on the tv table only this time you say in an excited voice, "Wow, someone around here really loves bananas don't they?" This may actually divert her attention from the tv long enough to answer you correctly. She may say, "Me mommy. I love bananas!" You reply, "I know YOU love bananas and I'll bet you were watching your tv and got hungry for a little banana snack didn't you?" With this approach, your child does not sense a threat or a punishment. So far, she has no reason to lie to you because she doesn't think she did anything wrong. So she responds, "I was hungry so I ate a banana." At this point you say, "It's okay that you were hungry and that you ate a banana because bananas are good for you. But it is NOT okay to eat in the living room and it's not okay to leave our trash lying around." Now you have not only established, for future reference, that leaving trash lying around is a bad thing while at the same time reinforcing a house rule - no eating in the living room. By now, she is probably on her way to the trash can with the peel but if not, remind her. "Where does the banana peel belong?" "And where do we eat our banana?"
And always be sure to thank her for telling you the truth. This lets her know that next time she does something that is wrong, she doesn't have to be afraid to tell you.
Now of course, this only works until a certain age when they figure out your "game", but why not use it while you can to save yourself a little peace of mind. You're going to need all you can get when her teen years roll around. |
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